


The Milk

by WritesMinelli



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Bad Fic, Bisexual Disaster Luz Noceda, Crack, Good Parent Eda Clawthorne, I'm Sorry, Useless Lesbian Amity Blight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritesMinelli/pseuds/WritesMinelli
Summary: Eda Clawthorne kills the President of the United States
Relationships: Amity Blight & Luz Noceda & Willow Park & Gus Porter, Amity Blight/Luz Noceda, Eda Clawthorne & Hooty & King, Eda Clawthorne & Lilith Clawthorne, Eda Clawthorne & Luz Noceda, Luz Noceda & Everybody
Comments: 25
Kudos: 136





	The Milk

Eda hated mornings.

She lay spread out like a starfish on her nest, cursing the sunlight that dared to leak through the windows and harass her eyes with unsolicited warmth and overall brightness. Turning over onto her back, the witch pressed her face into the plush of the blankets below, chasing the drowsy bliss of sleep once more. Her body relaxed, slipping back out to take up as much room as possible. Eda's discolored eyes closed once more as she teetered on the edge of unconsciousness; waiting for a single dream to shut down her brain and carry her on a cloud out of reality. 

She felt herself somehow sinking even lower, her fatigue lifting her, only a half second away from placing the woman in another deep slumber.

_Teetering._

_Teetering._

_So close-_

Then her stomach grumbled.

_Motherfucker_

Eda pressed her face into her pillow, screaming through her teeth, so high-pitched it came out as a long whine.

* * *

Downstairs, Luz stood making toast.

Or at least, what seemed to be the Boiling Isles' equivalent to toast. She didn't want to ask what it actually was made of.

As she brushed some griffin butter across the half-burnt surface, she became aware of a loud, squeaking noise. 

"Huh,"

She thought out loud,

"Wonder if a pipe's broken."

Luz sat back down at the table, arranging papers from last night's homework to put away in her backpack. King sat in her lap, walking in a circle once before sitting down. 

She smiled to herself, the warmth of her friend in her lap, the groaning from upstairs, Owlbert's happy tweeting, and Hooty's relentless telling of stories to absolutely no one-it almost made it feel like it was just the four of them. Like old times.

Almost

Luz's smile fell as she looked across the room at the blue haired woman who stood in the corner of the kitchen, making something for herself. Luz finished her plate and moved towards the sink, putting her dishes in the sink as she walked by Lilith Clawthorne's breakfast.

Making sure the woman's back was turned, Luz spit in her cup of water.

Going back to her seat, the Latina noticed that her mentor had made it quietly down the stairs. She smiled, running up to the witch for a hug before the girl realized something was different.

"Damn, Eda," Luz stated, worry tracing her words.

"You look like shit." 

"Luz!" Lilith scolded in return.

"What? You look like shit, too. It's just less common for her." 

Eda laughed at her sister's offended noise of rebuttal before her face sank into dark seriousness. 

Leaning against Luz and making the smaller girl's knees buckle, Eda sighed heavily.

"Magic is not a cure, it is a curse."

Luz attempted to push the older woman off her as she asked:

"What does that mean?"

"I have no fucking clue, but doesn't it make me sound cool and mysterious?"

Eda called, standing straight up. Her stomach growled again, reminding her why she was even up this early. Stretching, she made her way to the refrigerator, grabbing her favorite box of cereal from the counter and opening the fridge door. She looked around for a minute before closing it again.

"What happened to our milk?" She asked, looking at Luz and King.

"Some fairies stole the last of it."

Looking out the window, Eda watched a group of the gay boys singing choir take off, the gallon of milk in their hands.

"Fuck."

She'd have to go back to the human realm to get more. Sure, there was milk on the

Boiling Isles, but it had too much pulp for her liking.

Leaning back and stretching once again, Eda's back popped harder than Megan Thee Stallion's pussy in the WAP music video.

And that was pretty fucking hard.

* * *

Stepping through the portal, Eda's first realization was that she had no clue where she was. Her second was that her ears were not covered. 

Tying her scarf around her head in a perfect disguise, the witch assessed her surroundings.

She was standing in a garden, surrounded by fences. There was a fountain in the middle and the only exit was through a large, white, house. She shrugged. Maybe they had some milk. Entering the house, Eda was immediately stopped as she ran into a bright orange wall.

The wall moved.

What the-

Looking up, Eda's eyes widened. 

"This is not a wall at all!" She explained out loud,

"It is a man! A large, grotesque, spray-tanned, nauseating, drooling, misshapen, revolting, scares-kids-away ugly, vomit-stained-"

"Okay, you can stop now."

Donald J. Trump stated flatly.

"Security!"

The President yelled, but he was too late. Eda had already grabbed the water hose by the door and started spraying him with it. Quickly, layer by layer, the man's spray tan was washed off, shrinking him and dissolving his body until he was simply a maggot surrounded by a puddle of orange. 

"Damn, he almost looks pitiful." Eda deadpanned before stepping on him and smearing the worms guts underneath her heels. 

The security guards entered just in time to hear the last wet _squelch_ of victory. 

She attempted to dodge as they surrounded her, but without her magic the witch was as useless as Amity in the last three episodes. 

Grabbing her upper arms, the guards dragged her through the halls as she squirmed.

"Get off of me you slugs!"

She shrieked and kicked in an attempt to get free.

"No can do, Ms. President,"

The tan guard on her right answered,

"You have a meeting with Commissioner Greene."

"President?"

Eda's fighting went slack in her confusion.

"Yes ma'am, you killed the President, so that makes you the new one."

"Is that how American politics work?"

"That's how the good old American Bible says it is."

The guard answered, a patriotic tear slipping down his cheek as he turned to face a camera that wasn't there. 

President Clawthorne was shown to a large room, navy blues and gold filling amd accepting the walls, tables, and chairs. The was brought to the long table in the middle of the room and forced to sit. Lounging across from her was who she assumed to be this Commissioner Greene. Upon seeing her seating, he immediately began speaking. 

"President, the Christian Memorial Museum in downtown took a huge hit from the recent hurricane. I know parts of the city are still needing assistance in managing and repairs, but I believe that the museum really brings this town together and deserves a loan in order for a needed and quick reopening. As a Christian person myself, I am hoping that you will agree with me and the fellow Christian people of this town who cherished the museum as a part of our history, and I implore you to send a reparations check as soon as you are able."

The room was silent.

Commissioner Greene waited with bated breath, releasing in relief as Eda opened her mouth to answer. 

"Who the fuck is Christian? I thought your name was Greene?"

* * *

Back on the Boiling Isles, Luz was just getting out of her last class- seventh period potions. 

Standing next to Willow, she tickled her locker, putting her books away as she stretched out her poor arms- the class had worked double time on stirring today. Groaning as she felt a _pop_ in her upper arm, the brunette took notice of the small boy running at her with a calculator in his hands.

"Luz," he started, winded and taking a breath between words,

"This is… incredible…!" Every simple problem-ALL EQUATIONS-the answer right here! In your hands! I can't believe how advanced-"

"Haha yeah" Luz interrupted, grabbing the calculator,

"But check this out." 

Typing in some numbers that seemed random to Gus and Willow, Luz turned the calculator upside down, showing what it said.

_Boobies._

"Nice."

"Nice."

"Nice."

Following the voice of the third 'nice', the friends turned around to see Amity Blight standing in the hallway.

"You ready to go?" 

She asked Luz, holding out her hand.

The tanner girl blanked, completely forgetting that she had a project to work on with Amity tonight. She took her girlfriend's hand, looking back to her friends. 

"I'll call you guys tonight,okay?"

It was a rhetorical question, the three of them called every night before bed. Waving goodbye, Willow waited until the couple was out of sight before asking:

"Who do you think is the top and the bottom?"

"What do you mean?" Gus answered,

"Neither of them have a bunk bed."

-

  
  


Luz had been expecting Eda to pick them up from school, but she was nowhere to be found. Of course she didn't mind taking a romantic walk through the dangerous woods that tried to spit acid at the couple every few minutes, it was just unexpected. 

Once they finally made it through the front door without Amity giving Hooty a black eye, the human girl handed her backpack to her green haired girlfriend.

"Take this up to my room. I'll make us some snacks and be right up so we can work on that abominations project." 

Nodding, Amity threw the bag over her shoulder and walked upstairs. Luz could hear the thud of her setting them down in the makeshift bedroom as she whipped up some sandwiches.

Grabbing the plate and crossing to the stairs through the living room, Luz was suddenly stopped by the blue-haired parasite who lived with her clearing her throat.

"Maybe you two should stay down here so you can be… supervised appropriately."

"Maybe you should suck my dick and balls, Lilith."

The woman barely heard Amity's whoop of support from upstairs.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Eda didn't know how much longer she could take this.

She had been dragged around all day like a circus horse from event to event. First learning about the entire history of Judaism; and now she was being held in an office and being berated with questions about which colors the napkins should be for her inauguration. 

She didn't even know what inauguration _meant._

And the worst part is that she still hadn't eaten. Her stomach churned in retaliation, demanding sustenance of some kind.

Sneaking out of the office, she stumbled down into the kitchen, where she was met by a child.

He looked up at her with big, brown eyes-bowing as soon as he recognized her.

"Woah,"

He said, completely starstruck,

"I hope I can be president one day."

Eda tsked, rolling her eyes. 

"Look kid-"

She stopped mid-sentence, suddenly intrigued by what stood behind the boy.

A shelf.

Full of basic ingredients.

Her eyes widened as they laid upon the gallon of milk in the middle row, shining like a beacon. 

"What if that one day was today?"

She asked the boy, moving past him as he made a noise of surprise.

"What-"

Eda grabbed the milk and pulled a sharpie out of her shoe, quickly scribbling _I killed the President of the United States_ across his forehead.

Clipping the sharpie closed with her teeth, she clicked her heels as she fled through the portal back to her home.

* * *

Luz had just said goodbye to Amity when Eda collapsed on the couch, putting her feet up as she sighed, setting the gallon of milk on the floor beside her.

The witchling walked by her, flopping down on the other side of the couch, putting her head on her mentor's lap.

"Hi Eda, welcome home." 

She said, and the older witch smiled, leaning down to play with her hair.

"Glad to be home."

Lilith walked by, intruding on this perfectly domestic moment by existing. 

The ex- emperor's coven stan picked up the milk, walking to the kitchen with it, when she stopped mid step.

"You know this is expired, right, Edalyn?"

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to yell at me on social media  
> My Tumblr/Insta is @liesminelli


End file.
